Yesterday most definitely did not go as planned. I had taken the day off due to a 4-day long head/ear ache but when I woke up in the morning I felt great. Since I had spend 90 minutes the night before with a splitting headache planning for the sub, I decided to just use the day to get ahead on grading and planning. We had our appointment to hear the heartbeat at 11:30. I picked up Amanda and Jeremy but when our appt was to start, our midwife went off to catch a baby. I told the nurse that I didn't want to leave until I heard the heartbeat so we waited another hour before they could get me in. Being 12 weeks, when they couldn't immediately find the heartbeat, I was worried. My fears from the past 3 weeks were coming true. But I hadn't felt any pain nor had any bleeding, so that was my hope. My midwife came back to do a quick ultrasound but couldn't find anything, but told us that she was not a tech and she wanted us to have a real sonographer do an ultrasound. The other office just had a cancellation so they got us in right away.
I think the most painful part was going through the ultrasound and not seeing a baby and the ultrasound tech using very vague language ("I see your uterus and I see things in it"). I knew she wasn't able to tell us anything but I also am not stupid. I know what a 12 week ultrasound should look like, and I was not seeing it. I know what the screen looks like when you search for a heartbeat, and it was flat. All I wanted was for all the false hope to stop. I'd much rather have good news after being distraught than be given false hope to only be devastated later. But when the ultrasound tech finally said, "You doing ok?" I finally knew it was true. We had lost our baby, even though my body was refusing to recognize it.
Yesterday did not go as planned, that is true, but today the sun came up and we are closer as a family than we were yesterday. This loss has healed a lot between Jeremy and myself and I have to remind myself that although time seems to be going at a snails pace now, it will have flown when I look back later.
When I woke up this morning there was a blanket of peace that was laying over our household. Samantha miraculously slept through the night and we are all in much better spirits (although Sam is insisting that the baby is still growing, just in
her tummy.) I don't know how anyone gets through these tough times without a community that showers you with prayer. We experienced it when Jeremy was sick this year and we are experiencing it now. I have all the head knowledge, but I have a very hard time
feeling God. But during these moments I am given a glimpse of the ocean of His love and the comfort it can bring.
