About Me

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Nebraska, United States
A would-be stay at home mom working full-time as a teacher. I teach at my old Highschool, working side-by-side with my own teachers. I blog to keep the Texan grandparents updated and chronicle our life for future reference. (In other words, I don't have a real baby-book or diary.) Comments make my day. Thanks for stopping by! kimlepper at gmail.com

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Hard to Swallow

I always dread getting a new job. Not because of the training, learning curve or initial social struggles- those I can handle. Even the humility that I have to face with not knowing everything is tolerable. No, what I hate about new employment is the fact that I inevitably cry in front of my boss. Allow me to premise the following--I only cry when I'm frustrated.
That and watching a sappy movie, but that's not relevant here.

The crying episode generally goes something like this:

I work really hard to try and be proficient at said job (read, I do NOT like being anything but perfect at my job).

I, being only human, make errors, some which are horribly embarrassing.

I continue, only to make another error. Nothing big, just enough to annoy the boss/supervisor/other person near by.

I get frustrated and flustered.

Flustering results in more errors which leads to more frustration and more flustering and--well, it all ends up at the bottom with Jack and Jill.

And the only way out, it seems, is to cry. In front of my boss.

Anyway, where was I going with this?

Oh, yes. So today I wanted to cry. I felt like a miserable failure. But not as an employee- as a mother. I always pictured myself as this super-mom who cooked, cleaned and laundered, caring for the children with patience and ease learned via years of nannying experience.

I'm coming to realize that I don't know who I am as a mother. My child whines and screams most of the day, making me want to claw at the wall and scream back at her. Instead of cleaning I steal a nap during my 30-60 minute "break" during the day while she power-sleeps. Looking around the house I notice the floor is relatively clear, but every other surface is cluttered. I literally count down the time until either Jeremy comes home or 6pm comes (bedtime). Honestly, I have more patience and fun with my child when I come home from working all day at my paying job.

I'm doing my best not to compare myself with other mothers, but I can't help but noticing that I only have ONE CHILD. And I want more. Lots more. But I don't know if that's the mom I want to be or the one I am.

Either way, today I was very frustrated and flustered.

Take a wild guess at what came next.

4 comments:

Katrina said...

Oh, definitely do not feel alone in those feelings! And go ahead and cry. I always feel better after a good cry!

I was just talking with another mom in our playgroup yesterday about my similar feelings and she felt the exact same way... and then her aunt who was also there said she felt the same way when her kids were younger.

Parenting is hard work and if you have to steal a nap instead of cleaning... go for it. It's impossible to keep our house clean haha. As soon as I start picking toys up my son is dragging new ones out of his room. :)

Amanda said...

You are definitely not alone.

Most days, this is exactly how my day unfolds. It is sooo hard to not compare yourself to other moms. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm almost positive that's a fake grin they're wearing and their kids also have major meltdowns during the day.

I DO love being a mommy, but noone ever told me how hard it actually is. It would be nice if I had family that helped out and encouraged (my husband IS the best help, but he works...long hours sometimes).

Anyway, don't mean to complain, but just wanted to let you know I can completely emphathize with you!

Anonymous said...

Kim,

I haven't stopped by your blog in awhile, but God brought me here today for a reason. I am experiencing some of the same feelings and struggles you are; you are NOT alone. I find myself feeling alone a lot these days, but it's good to know you are out there feeling the same way. Thanks for sharing this with us.

Love,

Mallory

Grandma said...

Grandma says, "I have a plaque in my kitchen that says, 'Cleaning the house while children are growing is like shoveling the walk, while it's still snowing'" (Dated 1983, a year after Jeremy was born)

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