I always dread getting a new job. Not because of the training, learning curve or initial social struggles- those I can handle. Even the humility that I have to face with not knowing everything is tolerable. No, what I hate about new employment is the fact that I inevitably cry in front of my boss. Allow me to premise the following--I only cry when I'm frustrated.
That and watching a sappy movie, but that's not relevant here.
The crying episode generally goes something like this:
I work really hard to try and be proficient at said job (read, I do NOT like being anything but perfect at my job).
I, being only human, make errors, some which are horribly embarrassing.
I continue, only to make another error. Nothing big, just enough to annoy the boss/supervisor/other person near by.
I get frustrated and flustered.
Flustering results in more errors which leads to more frustration and more flustering and--well, it all ends up at the bottom with Jack and Jill.
And the only way out, it seems, is to cry. In front of my boss.
Anyway, where was I going with this?
Oh, yes. So today I wanted to cry. I felt like a miserable failure. But not as an employee- as a mother. I always pictured myself as this super-mom who cooked, cleaned and laundered, caring for the children with patience and ease learned via years of nannying experience.
I'm coming to realize that I don't know who I am as a mother. My child whines and screams most of the day, making me want to claw at the wall and scream back at her. Instead of cleaning I steal a nap during my 30-60 minute "break" during the day while she power-sleeps. Looking around the house I notice the floor is relatively clear, but every other surface is cluttered. I literally count down the time until either Jeremy comes home or 6pm comes (bedtime). Honestly, I have more patience and fun with my child when I come home from working all day at my paying job.
I'm doing my best not to compare myself with other mothers, but I can't help but noticing that I only have ONE CHILD. And I want more. Lots more. But I don't know if that's the mom I want to be or the one I am.
Either way, today I was very frustrated and flustered.
Take a wild guess at what came next.
- Nebraska, United States
- A would-be stay at home mom working full-time as a teacher. I teach at my old Highschool, working side-by-side with my own teachers. I blog to keep the Texan grandparents updated and chronicle our life for future reference. (In other words, I don't have a real baby-book or diary.) Comments make my day. Thanks for stopping by! kimlepper at gmail.com