Week 1- anything goes, really. Heck, I'll even fall asleep while you're holding me unswaddled with no rocking, shushing, or anything. Of course, YOU won't get any sleep because you'll be checking to make sure I'm breathing every 5 minutes.
Week 2- I must be swaddled. And pat my bottom. But none of that soft patting that you do to check if a cookie is done. No, you need to pat to almost spanking level. And don't stop. And don't even think about putting me in the carseat. I'll scream the instant you put me in there. Putting me down in YOUR bed, is ok, but none of this co-sleeper stuff.
Week 3- Swaddling is good but I need to be in an upright position at all times. I also like to be swung REALLY high and fast so go buy that really expensive thing you read about on amazon. WHAT is this plastic thing you keep shoving in my face. WHY do you keep putting me in this carseat? You are not allowed to leave the house!! Patting is still a must.
Week 4- this week I'll catch up on sleep and sleep all day, every day and barely wake up to nurse. This, of course, is the week that all your friends and family come over and see me sleeping and wonder why on earth you are so tired and you certainly must be joking because obviously I sleep all the time.
Week 5- Ok, I'm powered up now from sleeping so much so if you want me to sleep now, you must swaddle me, hold me, be moving at all times and no one is allowed to make a sound. Don't even think about swinging me. And that plastic thing? Just keep it handy, please. It's kind of nice very time I start to wake up. If you'd like to wear me, I'll sleep the whole time but don't you dare sit down.
Week 6- I want food. I must be nursing at all times. And swaddled. And get that darn plastic thing away from me! If you get within 5 feet of the swing I'll wake up. For the love of all that is holy stop putting me in the carseat!!!
Week 7- Get this straight-jacket off me!! Good, now that you've sold the swing I kind of like being rocked back and forth, so just put me in the carseat and make sure it's being rocked at all times. That plastic thing- a binky I think you call it?- is kinda nice. I want it while I'm falling asleep, but as soon as I'm asleep I don't want it. But keep it handy in case I get the wiggles.
Week 8- why do you keep taking me out of the carseat? Obviously I only sleep while in it and the car is moving. Stop-lights are for sissies. I saw you looking at the swaddling blanket, don't even think about it.
Week 9- Hm, this rock n play isn't so bad. Just make sure I have blankets covering my face, please. Even when holding me, I need blankets to smother myself into. Don't even think of trying to make an airhole. And that binky, I must have it. Please make sure I don't spit it out while I'm asleep.
Week 10- Why do you even bother trying to lay me down? If you MUST, as I see you sometimes need to use the restroom and shower (although I don't mind the smell, that's why your armpit if my favorite place to nuzzle) please put me in the carseat. But make sure it's moving. Don't you dare stop.
Week 11- Get me out of this blasted contraption!! Where on earth did you get the idea that I like being strapped into a bucket?!? I need to be laid on my right side, with a binky, a blanket on my face, my butt patted ever so gently. Unless daddy is helping. Then I want my face uncovered so I can watch the lights as he walks back and forth. ONLY when I'm asleep can you put me in the Becco, but you are not allowed to sit. Heck, I'll sleep for two whole hours, but don't you dare stop moving.
Week 12- I don't know what I want, just figure it out. One thing is for sure, a blanket MUST be on my face.
|Luckily she's happy when she's awake. |
Unfortunately we're too tired to really enjoy it much.